


true to end

by eightisms (singasongofus)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Closure, M/M, extremely vague, it's about the feelings, like so fucking vague, mentions of jigyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singasongofus/pseuds/eightisms
Summary: in retrospect, maybe running in circles around his feelings was the reason soonyoung could never seem to see things clearly.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Kudos: 10





	true to end

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. i wrote this in one hour  
> 2\. then i reread it once and now it's here  
> 3\. the title is from rex orange county "never had the balls to tell you" which slaps but this isn't a songfic or anything

When Soonyoung decides to move to Seoul, it’s not about Jihoon. That would be crazy; he hasn’t seen Jihoon in years, hasn’t so much as sent him a message on Kakao. 

He comes home--  _ home _ home, his childhood home, and nothing feels right. It didn’t feel right when he left, either, so he thought maybe coming back would solve it, but there’s still something off. It’s like being halfway to work and wondering if you locked your front door or left the stove on, a feeling that follows him around. He wears the uneasiness like he used to wear his father’s jackets, familiar and uncomfortable at the same time.

When Soonyoung decides to move to Seoul, it’s not about Jihoon. He doesn’t know if he even still lives here, although he hasn’t heard otherwise. Still, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t hoping for something, even if he’s not sure what it is. A glimpse on the street. A crossing of paths, maybe.

He didn’t expect to end up here, in the doorway of Jihoon’s high-rise apartment. He’s not sure what to do with himself now that he  _ is _ here. 

Jihoon’s apartment isn’t exactly what he expected it to be, which he guesses makes sense, because the only frame of reference he has is Jihoon’s childhood bedroom. When they were kids Soonyoung was always the messy one, ruining the careful arrangement of figurines on Jihoon’s desk and getting smacked for it. It’s no shock to him that Jihoon’s apartment is tidy and organized, but there are other things that take him by surprise; the brightly colored throw pillows, the abstract art on the walls. Soonyoung toes off his shoes by the door and then almost trips over something that squeaks when he steps on it.

“Oh shit, sorry,” mutters Jihoon, picking up the chew toy and tossing it in a basket next to the couch.

“You have a dog?” Soonyoung feels like there's a rock wedged between his ribs; he has to stop himself from patting his own side just to check. Hasn’t Jihoon always been a cat person?

Jihoon just gives a little shrug-- which is not an answer at all, what the fuck-- before he turns around and walks away. Soonyoung follows him helplessly, feeling absolutely out of his depth.

He didn’t know what he came here expecting to talk about, but it’s not a complete surprise when Jihoon sits him down in his office and immediately asks, “how was Hong Kong?”

“It was… good.” Soonyoung fidgets. Jihoon gives him a look that he knows means he’s not off the hook.

...

There’s only so much Jihoon can ask him about living abroad before they eventually circle back to this. When Soonyoung first left, he thought about it constantly, until he didn’t, and then he barely thought about it at all. He’s not exactly good at compartmentalizing, but he has very carefully boxed up his memories of their shared past and all the feelings-- guilt, shame, hurt-- that go with it.

Somehow, though, sitting here across from Jihoon, it’s easier than he thought it would be to brush off the dust and open the lid.

“I know you had like, other things going on back then,” Jihoon sighs, shaking his head a little, “but I needed you, Soonyoung. I didn’t have anyone else.”

“I didn’t,” Soonyoung says, quietly. He’s not looking at Jihoon but he can picture the look he must have on his face, confusion and frustration manifesting in the set of his jaw, a little crease between his brows. “Have other things going on, I mean. I was, um,” he feels like he’s going to laugh or cry but he’s not sure which, “I was in love with you. Back then.”

When he finally looks at Jihoon, he’s wearing this expression that Soonyoung thinks is his usual frown at first, but the more he looks, the more it seems different from how he remembers it. Has it changed, or has he been remembering it wrong this entire time? Soonyoung feels guilt rise like bile in the back of his throat. Whose fault is it, really, that he can’t even remember the last time he and Jihoon spoke like this?

“I knew.”

Soonyoung feels like he’s been punched in the gut.

“I knew, but I thought… I don’t know. I thought you were still my friend. I thought you could tell how badly I needed you to be my friend.”

Never mind, he feels like he’s being run over by a car, Jihoon’s dad’s pickup truck maybe, the one they used to drive up into the hills so they could lay in the back and watch the sun rise. He thinks about the Jihoon back then, about telling him  _ you’ll always have me _ . About abandoning him because-- because what? Because he cared more about his own puppy crush than his lifelong best friend?

Soonyoung doesn’t realize he’s crying until he hears Jihoon swearing under his breath. He takes the tissue that Jihoon offers him, trying and failing to muffle his sobs into his palms. God, he’s such an idiot.

“Why did you… after all this time… why even bother?” It sounds pitiful even to his own ears, but he needs to know. 

Jihoon pulls off his cap. Pushes his hair back. Puts it back on.

“You were my friend, Soonyoung. I always thought of you as my friend, even when we didn’t act like it. I wanted to know,” he trails off a little, looking straight at Soonyoung. He feels like he’s being seen through, like an emotional x-ray. “I wanted to know that you were well.”

He’s still processing Jihoon’s words, turning them over and over in his head, when there’s a soft knock at the door.

“Jihoon?” the man in the doorway is tall and handsome, those are Soonyoung’s first thoughts.

Jihoon turns to smile at him. “I know, we have to leave in 15 minutes. I didn’t forget, stop worrying.” The tall man smiles back before he quietly shuts the door behind him.

“Mingyu,” says Jihoon, “my boyfriend.”

Soonyoung is sure he’s making a stupid expression, eyes wide as saucers, but he can’t help it. “You…”

“Soonyoung,” says Jihoon, “You don’t know me anymore. But you could,” he adds, kinder than Soonyoung feels he deserves, “I would like you to.”

There are a lot of feelings Soonyoung was expecting to have, coming here. Happiness was not high on that list, but he’s… well, he’s happy. For Jihoon, and for himself, a little bit. “I would. Like to know you again, I mean.”

Jihoon smiles, and it’s a smile that Soonyoung’s never seen on him before. It’s good to see him happy like that.

**Author's Note:**

> what was snhn's big fight? take a guess or just leave a comment and let me know what you thought :~)
> 
> this fic started with  
> > i know you had other things going on back then.  
> > i didn't have other things going on back then. i only had you.  
> which i thought of in the shower, then i sat down with a cup of instant coffee and wrote this in one sitting.
> 
> thanks as always for reading. i'm on twitter @xumingheart


End file.
